Goodbye to Videos

I'm not filming anymore videos for awhile, the current uploads will not be deleted as in time Janet will return to youtube living full-time or not as it depends on health issues. My original plan was to have a few days away with my Mum, Sister and Nieces as we're going to Dorset on Monday (2nd August 2010). Then once we have returned home I'd show the video diary (DVD) version to my family for them to understand my true feelings, for some weird reason I am having second thoughts about showing the DVD when we come home from holiday as there are lots of things to accomplish before considering to be the real me for the rest of my life and to be honest I am terrifed of the reaction after they've seen it.

There is no reason for me to be scared of the reaction from loved ones. I can't continue doing what's been happening for the past five years which is living the lie and being upset everyday as female trapped inside the body of a man, I've been living my life as the unhappy male figure which is how I feel all the damn time when not being dressed as woman. Seeing the youtube channel isn't being updated you can always checkout my bob mode's which is reviewing movies and television shows, click here for the videos.

My eleventh and final vlog can be found on the profile section of my website and on youtube. The link provided will give you access, also if you begin to start missing my videos please checkout my other youtube channel in which "James" talks about DVDs.

The videos on this channel will soon have reviews including: Are You Afraid of the Dark, Supernatural, Dead Like Me, Torchwood, Doctor Who, The Lone Gunmen, plus a wide collection of movies including: The Lost Boys, Vampires: Out for Blood, Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, Nightmare on Elm Street (Ultimate Collector's Edition), Ginger Snaps Trilogy and loads more.

It's Been Awhile

My last update was on Saturday, 9th January 2010. So it's been awhile, whats new in the life of James and Janet? Not much except for my desire to live full-time as female. I don't feel happy as male simply because I feel trapped inside the wrong body and can't speak to my Mother, Sister, Brother-in-Law, Nieces, Brother and Sister-in-Law about it as they are going to be losing a member of the family who think is happy living as a man.

I've been having appointments with a learning mentor at College, regarding my feelings and thoughts for the future who has been very supportive listening to what I have to say. In my last meeting which occured Wednesday, 17th March 2010 I told her if it would be alright if she would see me dressed enfemme if I we're to go full-time as female and she said yes no problem and that made me very happy and emotional! I am on discussion forums like Rose's and Transliving which is another place I talk about my transgendered needs with other people like myself, but on the forums members are saying things like you arn't TS (transsexual) and the thing is I am.

Here's what I'd like to happen eventually: someone else who's like myself and is a person I know could explain to my mother what I'm going through, that is the only way things could move on to the next stage which is going to see a doctor and gender specialist. I need to live full-time as a girl but don't want to have gender reassignment surgery, being pre-op will be the right destination for me which does include female hormones.

There maybe an opportunity for me going to sparkle in July which is good, it's not certain yet but if all goes well I'll do an update based on the event and might have videos for youtube.

On my website I have added my new audio blog, which I hope you enjoy listening too and here is the audio blog announcement video plus other updates on the site.

General Update

I've finally realised how much I would miss being male if I we're to change my gender into a girl and live full time, there are days when I wake up feeling very happy as James which is why I no longer have the feeling to transition. Although, I am going to keep being an occasional woman as I will never beable to stop being Janet as she's apart of me. When I have my big testosterone injection I do get quite down and the only thing I think about is being female, the reason I have the shots is because of the fact my pituitary gland in my brain dosen't produce the hormone.

On Saturday (21/11/2009) me and my Mum went out for the evening to the Bristol Crossroads party for the TG community, I made friends with some new girls and had a good time. I won a raffle prize and I picked a case with make-up which included eyeshadow, nail polish, lip sticks and lip glosses which was very nice. Also, here is a picture of me and a friend called Petrina.

This picture and more can be viewed on my Flickr album, plus we had a great Christmas. I had a New Skirt, Hair Accessories, Little Make-Up Bag with Mirror, True Blood (DVD), Supernatural (DVD), Drag Me To Hell (DVD), The Real Ghostbusters: Complete Collection (DVD) and Doctor Who poster. Oh and speaking of Doctor Who, I watched the final two stories that David Tennant starred in before his regeneration into Matt Smith.

Until next blog, have fun and stay safe.

Hugs, Janet Johnson

Update since my Magazine Article

My Transliving Magazine Article, from issue 28...

Going out: would it ever happen?

I'm an Occasional Transvestite, my name is Janet and I suffer with learning difficulties. I live with my Mum who is a very supportive person. I feel that having these problems stops me from doing what I want to do - dressing enfemme - as I am vulnerable.

There are things I would love to do while being dressed as my alter ego. I'd love to go to Transliving Parties in Essex, Bristol Crossroads and Davina's Place at Bristol's Harbourside. Plus visit Doreen Fashions TG friendly shop in London and so much more.

There are many of us who are still in the closet. There are others who venture out in public and go shopping, eating in restaurants and go to the cinema dressed as the women they become. This would be something that I would like to achieve in the future, if possible.

My journey into the cross-dressing world started when I was 12. I used to have these dreams of myself looking and feeling like a girl. Being so young I could not understand why only girls wore dresses and boys didn't. The only thing I could do was to keep this a secret, so for a lot of my childhood I thought I would never get to wear a dress.

Anyway, in 2003 I discovered a leotard in my Mum's bedroom while she was out one day. I had to put it on and see how it felt. It was such a wonderful feeling to wear something of the opposite sex and I was very comfortable. I got upset when I had to take it off as my Mum was on her way home. The leotard was originally my sister's and was kept for years as a keep sake, which is why I found it in a black bag with some other things.

A year later, I did something stupid. I went onto an online community forum and openly discussed how I was feeling. A week passed and my sister received a call from someone who I had talked with online. My secret was out in the open and my Mum asked all sorts of questions like "are you gay?" (Definitely not). "Why do you feel that you had to wear the leotard?" (Because it makes me happy).

During the next couple of years, my Mum let me buy my own feminine clothes and have sessions called 'Personal Time' until she felt ok to meet Janet Johnson, my female alter ego. Now, my dressing is more than a hobby: Janet is a part of me and will never go away.

I don't do it because I have to. I wouldn't drop down dead if I never dressed again, although life does get pretty depressing during extended periods in "boy mode". I know that genetic girls are natural born women who get to wear dresses, tops and skirts every day if they want to, as it's the right clothing for their sex.

There are people who are unable to "dress" in their own street, so feel the need to have weekends away, where they can happily be the woman they become and not worry about neighbours or anybody else. This would be a wonderful reason to shop in public and eat in restaurants and just have a girlie night on the town. It's important to look convincing so nobody senses that you're a man who sometimes wants to be a woman - the only thing that gives you away is your voice.

Update since my Magazine Article... Going Out (Part Two): It Finally Happened!

I've written a follow up article to my last one that was published in the Transliving Magazine issue 28 (which is above), this new story will feature my first outing to Bristol Crossroads and how my feelings have changed since.

This new story will be in the next issue of the magazine, which I hope you enjoy reading. If you want to comment you can email me on my website: www.freewebs.com/enfemme as I love reading what you think.

Until next blog, have fun and stay safe.

Hugs, Janet Johnson

Barbecue at Crossroads (27/06/2009)

Seeing it's lighter evenings now I had to pack my things and get changed in the hall, it was 7:45PM when we arrived. I then saw Andrea, Lauren and the rest of the girls which was nice. After we had a little chat we then went out into the garden which is where we had the barbecue. There was hot dogs, burgers, pasta, salad and for afters there was strawberries and cream.

I became friends with Andrea, Lauren and Tara which is fantastic and would love to meet again soon. There was another good thing that came out of Saturday evening, I gave my phone number to Andrea which is good and she told me that if we wanted to goto another transgendered event she would be happy to take us. The only downside of the evening was that I wasn't allowed to film anything on my camcorder, although when I got home I filmed the attached video.